Ever since 1990 I have been an avid fan of Warhammer 40k. I was entranced by the models and by the art. As a student I struggled to read but I lapped up Warhammer lore. It was life changing and even sublime. I remember it very clearly, the first time I owned a Space Marine even though it was thirty years ago.
I was attracted by the epic scale, the theatrics and the apocalypic nature of the setting. It is the same thing that thrills me in the later stages of Lord of the Rings. A sense that the plot has become too big and powerful than the narrative can bear. The image above is called the Eternal War and is a last stand image, for me intensely moving. It speaks of brotherhood and loyalty and a determination not to give up despite not being able to win. Another sublime thought and one that speaks directly to my ideas of happiness.
I dropped off collecting in my late teens on the mysteriously sophistical grounds that I was a grown up and this was a toy. Such logic makes me ashamed. But I returned to the hobby during university and after when I was feeling down and was looking for something familiar. My abeyance continued until my early forties when I had a really horrible experience and thought to myself ‘I really want to kill bad guys’. Best option Warhammer.
From my forties to now I have collected miniatures and played the games, sometimes at home and sometimes in store. But one day in store I had a profound feeling that playing a game in public surrounded by teenagers was something a bit wrong and unworthy of me. I was playing in a tournament and my opponent was about the same age as me when I started collecting all those years ago. I thought to myself the literal title of this writing prompt ‘this is no place for you’ so I took myself off to reflect.
This was a fundamental question because I was enjoying myself and playing with the miniatures in company was fun and made me happy. I was welcome and felt appreciated by the manager and the store workers so what was making me question my participation? When I really got down to it, what was bothering me was my over developed sense of personal dignity and pride. Did I want to be seen doing something childish? What if someone saw me? Then I laughed, such are the subtlest of the devils snares. This activity made me happy and if it made me happy I would do it even if I had to wear a clown costume.